Erap jokes :)

January 16, 2010

GO ERAP! ( Philippine elctions )

  

ERAP

 Apparently this guy is running (again), and his chances of winning are good.

ERAP WILL RUN FOR PRESIDENT AGAIN.. HAHA SO MANY ERAP JOKES!

Tugon ni Idol ERAP on his character question.

Ang tanong: “What vice or luxury can you live without?”

Ang sagot: pls watch the video

 

*****

Returning from Australia…
ERAP: Ganda ng animals don lalo na yung dangaroos!
BODYGUARD: Sir, baka kangaroos?
ERAP: Hinde! Sabi ng sign “Please don’t touch, these animals are dangerous!”

******

ERAP at a ballet performance. He sees the dancers tiptoeing and twirling.
ERAP: Tsk! Tsk! Silly choreographers! Why didn’t they just find taller ballerinas?

******

At a restaurant Erap heard the couple next table are ordering: “Bring us Swiss steak and French fries.”
ERAP: I’ll have the same, give me the sweepstakes and first prize.

******

Erap orders pizza.
WAITER: Sir do you want me to cut your pizza into 4 or 8?
ERAP: 4 na lang baka hindi ko maubos pag-8!

******

WHAT IS III

NORA: Pang ilang Tirso Cruz na si Tirso Cruz III?

ERAP: Dats ezy! eh di pang LIMA! kaya nga “PIP”
ang tawag sa kanya eh!

********

GROUP

Erap was asked if a group of birds is called a flock

of bird, and a group of fish is called a school of

fish, and a group of wolves is called a pack of

wolves, then what do you call a group of dogs?

Erap: Madali lang yan, anong akala ninyo sa akin tanga!

Di anser is “asociation”.

******

Biodata
Erap in one of his younger days while applying for a job he doesn’t really like. His Biodata goes a little something like this:
Position Applied For: Point Guard
Name: Guess Who
Address: Bonifacio
Birthdate: Happy
Sex: Symbol
Marital Status: S (small) M (medium) L (large)
Height: Hitler
Weight: For me!
School: No…is Hot.
Course: Golf
Degree: 90
Special Skills: Singing, Dancing, Acting etc.
Phone Number(s): 3 (Nokia, Motorola and Ericsson)
Fax: U
Contact Person(s): Yes….(Animals ..No.)

*****

Erap at Starbucks.
Erap: Waiter, isang kape nga!
Waiter: Sir, decaf ho ba?
Erap: Syempre! Bobo! Lahat ng kape, de cup!
Bakit, may nakaplato ba?!

*****

ELECTRIC FAN

Tanong ki Erap : Bakit yung airplane pag umiikot and

elisi, uma-angat sa lupa?

Bakit yung bentilador kahit umiikot, nasa mesa pa din?

Erap : Tanga ka pala eh! Kasi yung bentilador may kurdon, pinipigilan yon!!

****

THE ORDER

In a Japanese restaurant.

Erap : Bigyan mo ako nung TA-KEHO-ME, waiter.

Waiter : Sir “Take Home” po ang basa diyan.

*****

CHINA: We’ll send a man to space by year 2010.
RUSSIA: We’ll send a man to the moon.
USA: We’ll send a man to Mars.
ERAP: We’ll send a man to the sun.
SCIENTIST: Impossible! It’s very HOT!
ERAP: Stupid! We’ll send him at night!

*****

ERAP’s Medical Terms

Listed below are the results of his entrance test dug up from some ancient archives. Needless to say, he didn’t make it.

Antibody – against everyone
Artery – the study of fine paintings
Bacteria – back door to a cafeteria
Benign – what you be after you be eight
Bowel – letters like A, E, I, O or U
Caesarean Section – a district in Rome
Cardiology – advanced study of poker playing
CAT Scan – searching for one’s lost kitty
Cauterize – made eye contact with her
Coma – a punctuation mark
Congenital – friendly
Cortisone – the local courthouse
D & C – where Washington is
Dilate – to live longer
Enema – not a friend
ER – the things on your head that you hear with
Fibrillate – to tell lies
Genes – blue denim slacks
Hemorrhoid – a male from outer space
Impotent – distinguished, well-known
Labor Pain – hurt at work
Organ Transplant – what you do to your piano when you move
Paralyze – two far-fetched stories
Pathological – a reasonable way to go
Pharmacist – person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
Protein – in favor of young people
Red Blood Count – Dracula
Rheumatic – amorous
Secretion – hiding anything
Tablet – a small table
Terminal Illness – getting sick at the airport
Tibia – country in North Africa
Triple Bypass – better than a quarterback sneak
Tumor – an extra pair
Urine – opposite of “you’re out”
Varicose – very close
Vein – conceit

******

TV Host: Sen Noynoy, are you familiar with the current problems we have in the film industry?
Noynoy: Sorry, I’m afraid not.
TV Host: What about you Pres ERAP, what can you say?
ERAP: Naku, I’m afraid also!

******

Interviewer: Pres ERAP ano naman po ang masasabi mo sa katayuan ng mga karamihan sa lipunan, sabi nila…blah, blah, blah..
ERAP: (panay ang ngiti at halatang kinakabahan…) Unang una, Magandang gabi po ulit sa inyong lahat….. Pwedeng pakiulit yung tanong?

******

Loi nakita si Erap na may kasamang babae sa kama
Loi: Walanghiya ka ERAP! I-dedemanda kita ng adultery!
ERAP: Adultery? Ano ka ba naman honey? Tingnan mo nga itong kasama ko, ang bata-bata pa nito….bakit mo sasabihing adultery?

******

Loi: Inday, ipaghanda mo si sir ERAP mo ng paborito niyang pagkain.
Inday: Mam, naghugas na po ako!

******

A sexy reporter was interviewing Erap.
At pag upo pa lang pinisil ni Erap ang boobs ng reporter.
Reporter: Bakit nýo pinisil ang boobs ko
Erap: Kasi may nakalagay na PRESS eh!

******

REPORTER: SIR, DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS FOR THE HOMELESS?
ERAP: OF COURSE, BUT THE PROBLEM IS, IT IS VERY HARD TO FIND THEM.THEY HAVE NO ADDRESS.

******

SWIMMER
Nag swimming sa beach sina Noynoy, Gibo and ERAP.
Gibo: Physically fit ba kayo? Kaya niyo bang languyin hanggang kabilang isla? sampung kilometro yon at malalim.
Noynoy : Sige mauuna na ko.
Nag swimming si Noynoy, almost 2 kilometers pa lang bumalik na, hindi na kaya
Gibo : Susunod ako
Nag swimming naman si Gibo, almost 3 kilometers pa lang bumalik na din
ERAP : Salita kayo ng salita, hindi niyo naman pala kaya. Tingnan niyo ko.
Nag-swimming si ERAP. After 1 hour bumalik din.
ERAP : Hindi ko din pala kaya. sobrang pagod ako…9 kilometers na ko…sayang….bumalik na lang ako dito kesa malunod ako.

*****

Loi and Gloria went to market:

LOI: Pag nakakakita ko ng patatas, parang nakita ko na rin ang balls ni Erap.
GLORIA: Bakit? Ganyang kalaki?
LOI: Hindi ah! GANYANG KARUMI!

*****

M & M

galing ng states si mayor lim at may pasalubong para kay erap m&m peanut.
after 1 week sabi ni mayor masarap ba yung pasalubong ko erap sabi naman
ni erap oo masarap kaso umitim ang kuko ko sa kababalat..

*****

GOOD AND BAD

Good news: Pumayag na si Erap na magresign dahil sa people power.
Bad news: Ayaw daw niya sa Hawaii magpaexile. Gusto niya sa Las Vegas.

*****

Erap went to his doctor:

DOC: Ano nangyari sa tenga mo?
ERAP: Nagring ho kasi yung telepono habang namamalantsa ko e. Yung plantsa ho ang nailagay ko sa tenga ko.
DOC: E bakit parehong tenga?
ERAP: Tumawag ho kasi yung mokong na caller e.